Dear Souls & Hearts Member,
One of the greatest assets of Internal Family Systems (IFS) grounded in a Catholic anthropology is that it helps us to understand and love others much better. I address this is episode 71 of the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, titled A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others. This reflection wraps us our series on identity with a “turn outward” to understanding and appreciating that actual identities of our neighbors.
When a part of us takes over and drives our bus (St. Thomas describes this phenomenon as “being dominated by a passion”), we reduce others to one or two dimensions as I discuss in Episode 72 of the IIC podcast titled What Keeps You from Loving? Is it Really Only Your Vices? We lose a sense of the complexity of another person, the nuances within them when we are blended with dominant parts and our innermost selves are not guiding us.
“Good” or “bad” or indifferent
When that happens, we see the other person through the lens of our dominant part’s agenda. Others are seen as “good” or positive if they appear to our dominant, blended part(s) to be supportive of its agenda, “bad” if they seem opposed to it, and “irrelevant” if they do not seem to impact the agenda one way or another.
So much harm in the world is exacerbated when we strip others of their true identities. We would most not likely treat others badly if we saw, in the moment, who they really are.
For example:
- Would you swear (inwardly or outwardly) at a driver who cut you off on the freeway when you are in a hurry to get to a meeting if you were to see him fully in his identity as a beloved little son of God the Father, as described in the reflection from March 24, 2025?
- Would you begrudge (outwardly or inwardly) a relative who has greater career or financial success than you if you saw that relative as God’s heir, as in the reflection from April 15, 2025?
- Would you be as likely to condemn a fallen away Catholic for a sinful lifestyle if you saw that person as one of Jesus’ lost sheep as in the reflection from May 12, 2025?
A lack of understanding
In an upcoming episode of the Messy Family Podcast to be released later this month, I argued that most Catholic spouses don’t know their spouse very well. They know a lot about their spouse, but they rarely hold their spouse’s primary identities as a beloved little son or daughter of God, God’s heir, a friend of Jesus, Jesus’ sheep, a temple of the Holy Spirit, and a daughter or son of Mary in mind consistently, especially when conflicts or disappointments arise.
When we understand a man through an awareness of and appreciation for his parts and how their parts are interacting in his system, it makes it easier to love him. For example, through an appreciation of IFS, you can appreciate that when a man is “large and in charge” and striving to control the environment around him, he may be dominated by a manager part who is seeking a sense of security and safety through control. You can hold on to the reality that striving part is not all of him (even though it may seem like it on the surface), and that insight makes it easier to love him. You then are less likely reduce his identity down to a “control freak” who is trying to curtail your freedom. You see him in terms of his parts, including a possible exiled part who is desperately afraid and insecure and in need of reassurance who the striving manager is trying to protect.
In general, Catholics (like non-Catholics) do not understand each other very well. As St. Therese of Lisieux wrote to her prioress, “How different are the variety of ways through which the Lord leads souls! Souls are more different than faces.” We often (erroneously) assume that others see the world as we do.
Understanding yourself better opens the door to understanding your neighbor better
Furthermore, many psychoanalytic theorists estimate that as much as 90% or more of most persons’ inner mental activity is outside of conscious awareness, and this is now being supported by neuroimaging studies that show how often critical parts of individuals’ brains are either shut down or overactivated, especially under stress.
When you understand your parts better and how your parts interact within yourself and are better integrated, you are much better equipped to understand others. Why?
For two main reasons.
- First, you are much less likely to project something that is going on inside yourself on to the other person (which is very common).
- Second, your parts can help you understand their counterparts in the other person – the counterparts are the parts that are similar in some way to the part of you. For example, if you are in touch with a self-denigrating part of yourself who criticizes yourself and that part is in right relationship with your innermost self, that self-denigrating part of you can help you understand the self-denigrating part of another person.
The identities of our enemies
Our Lord calls us to love our enemies (see Matthew 5:44). This is a radical command, unheard of prior to Jesus’ proclamation of the Gospel.
Most people seek to love others by seeking to find something lovable in them. But sometimes it is not possible to find something gratifying in another person, especially when that person is an enemy.
I discussed this in the March 9, 2022 reflection titled Definition of Enemies in understanding my relationship with Vladimir Putin. I find it very difficult to finds something lovable in him, or in Iranian leader Ali Khamenei, or North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Un. I need to see all of them in their authentic identities as made in the image and likeness of God.
Putin was secretly baptized as an infant in the USSR, so he is (whether my parts like it or not) my brother in Christ, and a beloved little son of God. Reflecting on those real identities makes it easier for me to pray for him and will his good, rather than allowing my un-integrated and angry manager parts to dehumanize him and give in to hoping he will be assassinated by one of his underlings.
Reflecting on who Vladimir Putin really is helps me to soften my heart toward him and will his good, rather than just cast him as an evil adversary in my internal drama, and resent him for reducing my sense of security based on geopolitical stability (which is not a consistent or solid source of security anyway).
Souls and Hearts’ calling
Souls and Hearts is all about helping you to live out the three loves in the two great commandments: to love God, your neighbor and yourself. And we do this not by focusing on spiritual, intellectual, or pastoral formation as most Catholic outreaches do, but by concentrating on human formation, which differentiates Souls and Hearts from nearly every other Catholic organization.
Human formation is the basis of all formation, according to St. John Paul II. And the reason we bring in Internal Family Systems and other parts and systems approaches is because they help us to tolerate being loved and to love, to carry out the two great commandments.
Join us live in the IIC podcast for a Q&A on grounding IFS and parts work in Catholicism
Mark your calendars for on the evening of Tuesday, August 5, 2025 from 8:00 PM to 9:30 PM Eastern Time. We will start with a brief drop-in experiential exercise, and then take your questions and have a panel discussion on the Catholic foundation for parts work approaches to flourishing, covering primarily episodes 166-170 of the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast on how a Catholic understanding of IFS and parts and systems thinking was prefigured by Scripture, the Early Church Fathers, St. Augustine, St. Maximus, and St. Bonaventure. Registration is free but required; Dr. Gerry Crete, Dr. Christian Amalu, and I invite you to that conversation.
Catholic formators – that’s all you Catholic therapists, coaches, spiritual directors, and priests
We have opportunities for you to grow in your human formation. Catholic formators (those Catholics who accompany others in their formation) especially need to attend to their own personal human formation.
The Formation for Formators (FFF) Community in Souls and Hearts specifically focuses on the human formation needs of Catholic formators. And we have opportunities for you:
- There are still about eight slots left in our FFF retreat from August 11-14, 2025 in Bloomington, IN titled “Being of Service.” I am so looking forward to leading this retreat with Bridget Adams, helping formators overcome their human formation deficits so that they can better be with and love those they serve. More information is on the FFF retreat landing page, in our PDF brochure, and in this brief informational video.
- We have spaces in our fall 2025 Foundations Experiential Groups which meet on Zoom ten times for 90 minutes over the course of five months, starting in late August or early September and serve as a way for you to work with your parts to better flourish in love and to learn how to bring IFS into the way you accompany others. Find out much more here.
Conversation hours with me
In Souls and Hearts, we often reflect on what is the “next right step” in our human formation journeys. If you would like to discuss your “next right step” in your human formation journey, call me during my conversation hours on my cell (317.567.95945) any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern time for a private conversation. I would love to hear from you.
Warm regards in Christ and His Mother,
Dr. Peter