Dear Souls & Hearts Member,
In the previous two reflections, I’ve been sharing with you about your identity as a beloved little son or daughter and an heir of God the Father – focusing on our identity in relationship with the first Person of the Trinity.
In the next two reflections, we center our attention on our identities in relationship with Jesus, the second Person of the Trinity incarnate.
Many Catholic saints have focused on being a spouse of Jesus; others have focused and identify of being a sister or brother to Him.
But not me.
And not just because I’m not a saint.
The reason is that I’ve never resonated with the idea of being married to Jesus. And I don’t resonate with the idea of Christ as a brother.
Many Catholics (including me) grew up in families of origin with no brothers. For others, the whole concept of relating with a brother can be complicated and fraught with difficulties.
Instead, I want to focus on a relationship with Jesus that seems far more immediate, gripping, and relevant to many people, especially men, including me. Namely, being a friend of Jesus, rather than a spouse.
So today, I want to focus on our identity as a friend of Jesus.
Jesus call us his friends
In John 15:12-17, we hear our Lord say to his disciples and to us: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide; so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. This I command you, to love one another.”
Most of us have heard this passage repeatedly for years, and in its familiarity, it can lose its impact. Friendship with the God-Man, the second Person of the Trinity, with Jesus Christ?
As Fr. Robert Hugh Benson wrote in his 1912 book The Friendship of Christ, “It seems inconceivable at first sight that a relationship, which in any real manner can be called a friendship, should be possible between Christ and the soul.” [p. 16].
But it is possible, and in fact, a deep friendship with you is what Jesus deeply desires. Fr. Benson goes on: “If then there is anything clear in the Gospels it is this that Jesus Christ first and foremost desires our friendship. It is His reproach to the world, not that the Savior came to the lost, and that the lost ran from Him to lose themselves more deeply, not that the Creator came to the Creature and that the Creature rejected Him; but that the Friend ‘came unto His own, and that His own received Him not.’” [citing Jn 1:11, p. 12]
We have a choice about receiving Jesus as our friend or not. Once more from Fr. Benson: “The Friendship of God, therefore, is flung wide open to every soul that desires it.” [p. 117]
Even to Judas.
Even to Judas, deep in the process of betraying Him, Jesus extended his offer of friendship. In Matthew 26:50 Jesus said to [Judas], “Friend, why are you here?”
Jesus addresses Judas as “friend.” Not in mockery, not in sarcasm, not even in vague irony but in the yearning for Judas’ return to friendship with Him. I lay this out in detail in episode 46 of the IIC podcast titled, Shame and Tragedy: Judas Iscariot and You.
But there is a requirement to be Jesus’ friend and we find it in John 15:14. In their commentary titled The Gospel of John, Francis Martin and William M. Wright IV write that:
“Jesus elaborated the love command with the contrast between two kinds of relationships. First there is the relationship between the master and his slaves, in which commands are given and obeyed simply on the basis of the master’s authority and backed by force. While Jesus is “master and teacher” (13:14), he does not issue the love command in the context of a master-slave relationship but in the context of friendship. Friends do good things for each other because of the friendly affection between them.” [p. 259].
Jesus emphasized one primary requirement for us to accept and embrace friendship with him: that we do what he commands, that we follow what he says, but not as a slave out of fear, not even as a servant out of duty — but ideally out of love, ideally out of “friendly affection” and in complete freedom. The Catechism of the Catholic Church restates this in paragraph 396: “God created man in his image and established him in his friendship. A spiritual creature, man can live this friendship only in free submission to God.”
In pursuing friendship with Jesus, we seek to follow Christ’s commands completely, in all of our being, not just in her external actions to possess that pearl of great price, friendship with Jesus.
And the result?
Salvatore Canals, in his book Jesus as Friend, tells us: “Friendship with Jesus helps us make great progress: with him we shall find happiness and tranquility; we shall have sure standards which will tell us always how we should behave; we shall be going towards our Father’s house and we shall, each of us, be another Christ, for that is why Jesus Christ became man: God became man so that man might become God.”
God became man so that man might become God. Dr. Gerry discussed this at length in his recent Kingdom Within article on Saint Catherine of Siena and “Becoming God”.
Three kinds of union in friendship with Jesus
Christopher Malloy in his 2007 article “Thomas on the Order of Love and Desire” in The Thomist argues based on Aquinas’ thought that there are three kinds of union inherent in love: 1) union of similitude, 2) union of affection, and 3) union of possession. Let’s look at each of these in turn in the context of friendship with Jesus.
Union of similitude
“Similitude” might not be an immediately recognizable term for many people. Essentially, it means a similarity, likeness, or resemblance. God the Father sent His Son to take on our human nature, and as Eucharistic prayer IV reads, “[Jesus] shared our human nature in all things but sin.”
Jesus condescended and took on our human nature to bridge the chasm between Creator and creature; and as part of his incarnation and His redemptive work, He invited us to partake in His divine nature, as I emphasized in the last two reflections, As an astonishing effect, we now have the possibility of uniting to Jesus in friendship in both His human and divine natures, because we can accept and embrace greater similitude with Him than ever possible before.
Anthony Flood, in his excellent book The Root of Friendship: Self-Love & Self-Governance in Aquinas writes that “The union of similitude provides the metaphysical basis for friendship. When a person apprehends the fitness of the goodness of another, he is inclined toward the union of possession or real union with the person (friendship is mutual, and, though the relations within it are reciprocal, Aquinas often describes it in terms of one person’s love for another).” [p. 12].
We see how union of similitude tends toward union of possession (discussed below).
1 John 3:2 describes the eventual trajectory of similitude for the faithful Christian: “Beloved, we are God’s children now; it does not yet appear what we shall be, but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.”
That desire for union with us in both natures undergirds the “Franciscan thesis” of the “Absolute Primacy of Christ” that the eternal Word was always going to take on our human nature to effect this union through similitude, even if the human race had never sinned and we had remained in our original grace.
In other words, the eternal Word becoming Man was never a “Plan B” or a response motivated initially or primarily by original sin and man’s fall from grace. The Word becoming flesh and taking on a human nature was God’s plan from before time began, before He created the world.
Fr. Maximilian Mary Dean writes eloquently and I believe compellingly on this these, known as “the absolute primacy of Christ” on his website here, and in his book.
For the union between you and Jesus to be complete, your similitude must also be complete – so that all your parts are included in it, that there are no zones within you that are excluded from becoming more Christlike.
In his Ambigua, St. Maximus teaches us what similitude taken to its proper end looks like: “The whole of the human being is interpenetrated by the whole of God and becomes all that God is, excluding identity of essence. The human being receives to itself the whole of God and, as a prize for ascending to God, inherits God himself.”
Union of affection
Father Benson describes the deepening of a friendship with Jesus: “As the relationship deepens, it is absolutely necessary, if relations are not to be marred, to begin to conform not only words and actions, but thoughts; and even more than thoughts, instincts and intuitions.” [p. 51].
From a parts perspective, that all parts, integrated within the person, united with one’s innermost self, with all of their phenomenology become conformed to the person of Jesus Christ. This includes not just the thought, instincts, attitudes, and intuitions that Fr. Benson describes, but also our emotions, our affections, our desires, our impulses, from wherever they originate within us. He goes on to describe “an intimate, intelligent, affectionate, and voluntary Friendship with Christ, who made us for Himself, and designed His own Incarnation that the union might be complete.” [p. 122, emphasis added].
When this is achieved, we have a more fully human and a more fully divine union of friendship with God; Anthony Flood highlights the level of intimacy and intensity in the union, and how it extends to the deepest center of the human person: “The love of friendship seeks the greatest union possible given the constraints of the separation between lover and beloved. The union occurs most intimately within the inner lives or interiors of each person.” [p. 17]
Union of possession
Union of possession requires first a unity of self-possession within the man or woman – in a word, possessing oneself, having an interior integration among one’s parts, the multiplicity of self coming together in unity rather than remaining fragmented.
Anthony Flood, writes that “The relations a person has to himself form the basis of his friendship with others. As Aquinas puts it, ‘just as unity is the principle of union, so the love with which a man loves himself is the form and root of friendship.’” [p. 14, citing Aquinas, ST II-II, 25, 4]
This is an extremely important idea; you have to be a friend with yourself in order to be friends with anyone else. The way you love yourself will be the form and root of your friendship with others. Thus, ordered self-love is not merely a nice feature; it is indispensable for us to love God and to embrace our identity as His friends. Flood continues:
“… through self-love fully actualized and self-friendship, a person relates to himself consciously, continuously, and to the innermost recesses of who he is. Such self-love is the subjective basis for both the conscious experiences of the world and, through the experience of good, action. It also provides the foundation for relations with other persons, including the love of God. Each person knows how to relate to another person precisely because he has the experience relating to himself as a person, an experience that serves as the form and root of relating to the other.” [pp. 18-19].
Flood emphasizes how Aquinas asserts that we must love ourselves in an ordered way and we must have interior integration, an inner unity, that allow us to enter a union of friendship with another. In other words, friendship with others, including God, requires ordered self-friendship first.
This is reflected in the U.S. Bishops’ Program for Priestly Formation, Sixth Edition in the human formation progression from 1) self-awareness to 2) self-possession to 3) self-gift.
Bringing the parts together
What does this look like in actual practice? From a parts and systems perspective, accepting your identity as a friend of Jesus includes all of your being, every single part of you being a friend to all of Jesus, every single part of Him.
And yes, it’s a debatable proposition, but Dr. Gerry and I both believe that Jesus had parts, as he laid out in his Kingdom Within reflection Thomistic Psychology and Parts: Are Parts the Result of Sin and Fragmentation? Did Jesus Have Parts? and in our discussion with Helen Young, a spiritual director and a Resilient Catholics Community member titled Does Jesus Have Parts?
Personally, I take great comfort in the idea that Jesus has parts, and that my parts can resonate with similar parts in Him, across different ages. For example, a five-year-old adventuresome part of me loves to spend time with Jesus’ adventuresome part at eight years old. The two of them can be seen on a tremendous adventure that started in Nazareth all the way to the Sea of Galilee 19 miles away – an amazing long hike, taking three days, staying with people Jesus knew along the way.
My five-year-old adventuresome part finds great comfort and companionship with his adventuresome counterpart in a young Jesus. In contrast, my adventuresome part struggles to connect with Jesus suffering on the cross; that’s too much for my little part, he shies away, he struggles with a deep sense of shame and guilt when confronted with that image and those moments of Christ’s passion.
In caring for my parts and helping them connect to different parts of Jesus in different ways at different points in His life, I am able to more completely involve all of my heart in relationship with him. Flood writes that “More precisely, I am claiming that for Aquinas, self-love constitutes the interior, heart, or primal self-experience of the person. The interior life and self-experience of each person constituted by self-love and actualized in self-friendship, in turn, creates the terms for friendship between persons.” [p. 17]. So I don’t force my little adventuresome part to face Jesus on the crucifix; he’s not ready for that yet. I am trying to be a friend to myself – and the parts and systems thinking of IFS and other approaches, harmonized with a Catholic anthropology help me to love myself, to be a friend to myself in all my parts so that I can better be a friend to Jesus, in the innermost recesses of my heart. Anthony Flood writes that
“… through self-love fully actualized and self-friendship, a person relates to himself consciously, continuously, and to the innermost recesses of who he is. Such self-love is a subjective basis for both the conscious experience of the world and, through the experience of good, action. It also provides the foundation for relations with other persons, including the love of God. Each person knows how to relate to another person precisely because he has the experience of relating to himself as a person, an experience that serves as the form and root of relating to the other.” [pp. 18-19].
Why? So that all of me can become more like Jesus over time. As Fr. Benson notes: “As the relationship deepens, it is absolutely necessary, if relations are not to be marred, to begin to conform not only words and actions, but thoughts; and even more than thoughts instincts and intuitions.” [p. 51]. And then I am en route to becoming an alter Christus, ipse Christus [another Christ, Christ himself], as St. Paul said of his union of friendship with Jesus in friendship in Galatians 2:20: “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”
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Seeking friendship with Christ in the Resilient Catholics Community
In the Resilient Catholics Community, we work to overcome the human formation deficits that impede our capacity to relate deeply with ourselves and others in love. Any difficulties you have in your human relationships, you will bring into your relationship with Christ. Period. Full stop.
The RCC provides a structured, year-long, step-by step program to help you know yourself, become more integrated inside, and love yourself in your parts. The wonder of the RCC is that it takes these principles of self-love that Aquinas insists on, and presents an actionable program to live them out. We take Aquinas’ positions out of the theoretical, conceptual realm, and bring them down into a very nitty-gritty, often messy, imperfect, but amazingly effective program, by bringing in the best of what secular human formation resources have to offer, and grounding them in a Catholic understanding of the human person.
Applying to the RCC includes you taking the PartsFinder Pro, a series of 18 measures designed to help you identify and connect with your parts, sometimes for the first time, so that you can love them, and help foster greater interior integration. You can download a PDF for a sample PFP fictional report for a man and a woman.
We reopen for new applications for new cohorts in the RCC every February, June, and October. June 1 is coming soon, so find out more information on our RCC landing page and get on the interest list. All that we do in the RCC is oriented toward living out the three loves in the two great Commandments: loving God, our neighbor, and ourselves.
And 18 days ago, I started a private podcast, just for RCC members, titled “Walking Together as One” where I share about my own parts in my own system, my thoughts for the day, current events, and our connections and relationships within the RCC in about three minutes, each day every day, and we can discuss.
And finally, we have a promo video now for the RCC retreats, specially for RCC members only, in August in Bloomington, IN. Check that out here.
IIC episode 154 released 164 What are Internal Systems in Catholic Parts Work?
Question: What do improvisational jazz bands, 8-man rowing shells, the Catholic Church, and a nuclear family all have in common? Answer: They are all human systems. Systems have three components: 1) elements (or parts); 2) interconnections (relationships among elements); and 3) a function or purpose.
Join David Edwards and me as we explore systems. Understanding yourself as a system, with an innermost self, parts, internal relationships among your innermost self and parts (e.g. polarizations, alignments, suppressions, etc.), and that each unintegrated part has an agenda – a purpose it desires – all that helps us understand ourselves and each other. And that understanding helps so much in being able to receive and give love as Catholics. And there’s an experiential exercise to boot! Video Audio
Meet me in Steubenville in a week on May 5!
On Monday, May 5, 2025 from 11:30 AM to 3:30 PM, I will be hosting the “Leading with Love” workshop in Steubenville OH. This is a small-group experience with me, including experiential exercises and a demonstration of how IFS and parts and systems approaches can help your innermost self better lead and guide your own parts – and how better self-governance can help you better lead others, all grounded in the thought of St. Thomas Aquinas. Check out our flyer here for more details.
Calling all Catholic formators – come on a retreat with me in August 2025
Catholic therapists, counselors, coaches, spiritual directors, priests, and other formators – come on a retreat to work on these very issues of identity, to work on your own human formation in Bloomington, IN, from Monday, August 11 to Thursday, August 14, 2025. Find out more on our FFF retreat landing page here and check out all the details in our promo video here:
Conclave
With the news of Pope Francis’ death (Requiescat in pace, Papa Franciscus), streaming view of the movie Conclave spiked (see details here). Fortunately, we have Dr. Gerry’s review of the movie, for good and for ill, in his Parting Thoughts review here.
Keeping in touch
Remember, as a reader of my semi-monthly reflections or by taking in the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, you are welcome to call me on my cell at 317.567.9594 for a private 10-minute conversation about any of the themes or topics I raise during my conversation hour which are every Tuesday and Thursday, from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern time.
I so enjoy hearing from those who follow these reflections and podcast episodes. Note: I will not have conversation hours on Tuesday, May 6, as I will be at the Catholic Leadership Conference in Steubenville, OH.
Pray for us
Please pray for me and pray for all of us in the Souls and Hearts Community. All of our endeavors have to be fueled by prayer as we seek a deeper union in friendship with Jesus.
Warm regards in Christ and His Mother,
Dr. Peter