IIC 47: Shame and Redemption: St. Peter and You

Dr. Peter illustrated the role of shame in St. Peter’s life and decisions, highlighting his internal structure and mapping his parts.  Dr. Peter explored how St. Peter switched among parts, the times he was carried away by his parts, and typical patterns in how his parts functioned.

[00:00:12] Welcome to the podcast Coronavirus Crisis Carpe Diem, where by God’s grace, you and I rise up and embrace the possibilities and opportunities for spiritual and psychological growth, right now, in these days, all grounded in a Catholic worldview. This podcast is all about transformation, a radical transformation of self, overcoming anything that gets in the way of us loving God our Father and Mary our Mother, with the trust and dependance of a little child. This podcast is all about real love and real relationships. And you know what? That’s messy. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, and I am here with you to be your host and guide. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up the natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to relating deeply, to being loved, and to loving God and our neighbor. This is episode 47. It’s released on December 21st, 2020, and it is entitled Shame and Redemption: Saint Peter and You. It’s the eleventh episode in our series on shame. And I want to thank you for being here with me. This episode stands alone. You don’t need to listen to any other episodes to really get this one. If you want a conceptual understanding of shame, at least as I understand it, go back to episodes 37, 38, and 39. There’s a lot of information, a lot of conceptual information in there. We’re going to review that as we go through a story.

[00:01:55] I love to teach through stories. Last episode in episode 46, we discussed how shame can lead to tragedy. We took a deep look at Judas Iscariot. Today, we’re continuing to illustrate shame and related concepts with a story of shame and redemption. This is the story of the Apostle Peter. We’re really going to look inside of Peter’s mind, heart, body, and soul. Today, we’re going to look at Peter’s story of intense shame but ultimate redemption. We’re going to understand what happened in his life. We’re going to make sense of his decisions, of his choices. You know, this is really near and dear to me because not only do I share Peter’s name and was named after him, but I connect with him because he makes so much sense to me. The Apostle Peter and I have very similar parts. We have a very similar makeup, so it’s very easy for me to relate to the Apostle Peter. And I believe that in our fallen world and in our fallen human condition, all of us have elements of what Peter struggled with. So we all can learn from his story of redemption. Part of what I do is to help you really understand yourself and to understand other people better. And as part of that, because I am an Internal Family Systems therapist, I’m really interested in understanding the parts of people. Really helps us to grow in understanding ourselves and understanding others.

[00:03:30] Following the dictum of Socrates who said, “Know thyself,” following the command of Jesus to remove the beam in our own eye before removing the speck in our brother’s eye. Recognizing and identifying your parts and the parts of others is really helpful in order to love the other person, in order to love ourselves. Why? Well, because loving a person means loving all of his or her parts. All of them. All of them. Not just the parts that you find desirable or attractive or gratifying, but all of their parts. If we’re going to love another person, including ourselves, right, if we’re going to love ourselves. If we are going to love ourselves, if we’re going to love another person, that doesn’t mean just loving the bits that we find gratifying. No, no, no. It means that we love all of the person. That includes the parts that we don’t understand. That includes the parts that we find frustrating. That includes the parts that get under our skin. That includes the parts that we just find aversive for one reason or another. Loving ourselves, loving our neighbor — that means loving all of the parts. It’s really helpful to know a part in order to understand what it needs. When we talk about loving parts, that doesn’t mean that we affirm every opinion that another part has. We don’t necessarily endorse every desire that a part has. It doesn’t mean that we encourage every impulse that a part has.

[00:05:01] No. We don’t have to do that to love the part and to accept the part as it is. And again, that doesn’t mean saying, oh yeah, that’s great. Everything is just fine with that part. No, we accept parts as they are because that’s the reality. We need to engage with reality, which means we accept parts as they are. So what are parts? We should back up just a little bit here and do a little bit of a review. We went over some of this in detail in episode 42, but let’s talk about what are parts? Parts are like little personalities within us. They are separate autonomous mental systems, right? Like parts of us, they’re like modes of operating that we have. And each of these parts or each of these modes of operating or each of these personalities has its own range of emotions. It’s got its own style of expression. It’s got its own desires, it’s got its own abilities, it’s got its own views of the world. And one of the things that I have found so impressive about Internal Family Systems is that it holds that we are both a unity and a multiplicity as a human being, that we’re not only one, but we’re also more than one. Okay, so how do we understand that? Well, the model that IFS sometimes uses is that of an orchestra. An orchestra is one, right, one body. But it’s also composed of parts, right? You have the string section with violins and violas and cellos and basses.

[00:06:39] You have the woodwind sections with oboes, clarinets. You have all the parts of the orchestra, all the musicians of the orchestra, but it’s still one orchestra. What happens is that parts get disconnected from each other and they get disconnected from the self. So the focus is on integration. We’re looking to integrate. We’re looking to connect internally. We’re looking to get in relationship with our own parts. And that really helps us to be in relationship with the parts of other people. Parts assume three roles in a person’s system. A part could be an exile. These are the most sensitive parts that often become injured or outraged. They were exploited or abandoned or rejected in external relationships. They need love and care, and they want rescue and redemption. This is where the shame usually resides, heavily. Heavily, is in parts that are exiled. And why? Because other parts in the person’s system are really concerned that the system is going to get overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotional experience that the exiles carry. So these exiles are parts. They’re sensitive parts. These are parts that have suffered and carried the burden of the wounds that they’ve had in relationship. And they’re rejected within the person. They are cast out. They’re banished from conscious awareness, but they still long for that love. They still long for rescue and redemption.

[00:08:21] Those are exiled parts. Manager parts are more protective. They’re strategic. They’re focused on running life. They’re focused on controlling the environment. They’re focused on getting through the day, being effective. And they also work hard to keep the exiled parts out of awareness because of how disruptive the exiled parts can be. Managers really are looking out for the best interest of the person by trying to keep things stable and working in a proactive way to calm things down. Firefighter parts are another kind of part. They get activated when the exiles have broken out, when the exiles have come up and are distressing the person. Their focus, the focus of firefighter parts, are to stifle, anesthetize, or distract from the feelings, the intense feelings of the exiled parts. And firefighters can get into binge-eating, drug and alcohol use, masturbation, pornography use, gambling, all kinds of risk-taking, all kinds of things that are designed to help distract from the pain of the exiles. Parts can take over a person by blending with the self. And this is like in the Pixar movie Inside Out when, for example, anger, the little red part takes over the main control panel of the main character, Riley. We call it blending in IFS. The self in IFS is the seat of consciousness. And when the self accepts and loves parts, those parts can transform back into who they were meant to be. Parts find the relationship with the core self very reassuring.

[00:10:15] But in order for that relationship to be there, they can’t blend with the self. If they fuse with the self, there’s no possibility of relationship because they’ve come together in such a way that the parts can’t see the self, and the self has trouble seeing the parts. There are qualities of the self. We mentioned these before in episode 42. Curiosity, compassion, calmness, confidence, courage, clarity, creativity, connectedness, and kindness. So we’re going to talk today about Saint Peter’s parts. We’re going to actually map out some of Saint Peter’s parts, his modes of operating, his subpersonalities. And so as we do that, we can understand more like what’s going on in his internal world. And ultimately, what I hope for you is that by laying this out for Saint Peter, you’ll start to get in touch with some of your own parts, start to recognize when you’re in a particular mode of operating, when you are caught up in some particular way of being. Okay, so Saint Peter had a bold part, a really self-confident part. This is a manager part. You know, Saint Peter was a fisherman. He owned his own boat. He often had to make quick decisions in a dangerous occupation. Peter was respected in Galilee. There’s a deference to Peter by other people in the Gospels. He was respected. He had courage. He had fortitude. He was established. He was married. And this bold part could sometimes become overconfident.

[00:12:01] So that’s what I want you to watch for is this bold part. And I think this bold part defends against shame held in an exile. When there’s a fear of being shamed, of shame coming up, this bold part can actually increase its confidence. So Saint Peter has a bold part. Saint Peter also, I think, has a spontaneous part. This part has quick reactions. This part leaps into action instantaneously. Saint Peter is a man of action. There’s courage here, too. Peter is capable of intense emotion, and he can be driven by that emotion. He seizes opportunities as they arise. He sees that opportunity and he seizes that opportunity. And this can lead to rash actions. This part, the spontaneous part, is not interested in pausing for reflection or discernment or prayer. And that can lead to significant internal disorganization. This part can forget the teachings of Jesus. It’s also a big part. It wants to command. It wants to be large. It wants to take on things. And I believe it also defends against a shame exile. There’s some firefighter aspects to this spontaneous part, but it’s mostly a manager that leaps in. I think Peter also has a caretaking part. This is also a manager part. But this part has a big heart. This part is very affectionate. It’s very paternal. It wants to take care of people. It’s very protective of other people. And I think Saint Peter has a very strong moral part.

[00:13:50] This is like my good boy part that I discussed in the last episode, 46, episode 46. I discussed my good boy part. This part, this moral part of Peter has a strong sense of duty, a strong sense of responsibility. It’s aware of his sinfulness and his weakness. Peter examined his conscience. He understood elements of himself when he was calm, when he was recollected, when he was integrated, when he was governing his system with his self in the role of conducting his orchestra of parts. He could know himself. This moral part, though, also contributed, it helped with repentance. This part experienced grief, and it experienced a sense of being disappointed with himself when he failed. I think Peter also had a part, a very young part, a childlike part that was full of awe and wonder. I think Peter had a fearful exile. If you look at Peter’s intense emotions, he’s not really into depression. That’s not his thing. He’s not into anger. You don’t see a lot of those two emotions. You see a lot of sadness. What you do see is anxiety and fear. That comes out more for him. And so that’s a pretty active exile that Saint Peter tries to contain with his manager parts, with his protector parts. And this part might be a part that reaches out for help in need when it’s desperate. That may be a different part. I’m not sure. But this fearful part may reach out for help when it’s in need, when it’s desperate.

[00:15:46] That’s unlike Judas, right? Remember when Judas got desperate? He didn’t really reach out for help to anybody that would help him. This part is small, and it’s willing to be helped. It’s willing to be rescued. It’s more childlike. It’s smaller. One of the things that I really appreciate about Peter is his transparency. It really does seem to be like, what you see is what you get. There doesn’t seem to be any guile or any calculating, you know, any calculations, any scheming going on. And that’s again, different from Judas. As we go through some of the Gospel stories, you’re going to see that there’s a pattern that happens with Peter. A lot of times things ramp up with a bold manager part that’s got self confidence and is going to take on some big task. That bold manager part teams up with the spontaneous part that gets impulsive and they start acting on instinct. Then they get into trouble because they get overextended. They’ve relied too much on Peter’s own natural ability, on his own natural gifts. And something goes wrong. And there’s distress, fear. There’s sometimes grief or sorrow, and then there’s repentance, where Peter starts over again, seeking relationship, and he begins again in humility. This is a pattern that we’ll see repeating itself as we go through some of the Gospel stories to understand Peter’s internal world.

[00:17:19] Okay, so let’s really enter into Peter’s world. Let’s see how he sees the world. Let’s look at the world through his eyes. So I’m going to start in Matthew 14 and in Mark 1 when Jesus calls Peter. And it’s interesting because both those two Gospels say that Peter responded immediately. Immediately. Right. There’s that boldness right? There is that spontaneity. It’s being used in a really good way. Jesus calls, Peter responds immediately. Boom, there it is. It’s beautiful. In Luke, in the story of the call, Jesus gets into Simon’s boat and they cast out a little from the land. This is in chapter 5. And Jesus says to Simon, “‘Put out into the deep and let your nets down for a catch.’ And Simon answered, ‘Master, we toiled all night and took nothing. But at your word, I will let down the nets.'” Right? So he starts with this kind of bold, overconfident statement, right? We toiled all night. We took nothing. You’re a carpenter. You don’t know anything about fishing. You know, I’m the expert here. But then there’s a shift, right? You can see the shift. It happens right with the “but.” This is where he changes course. “But at your word, I will let down the nets.” He changes his heart. He changes his mind, his body moves to let down the nets. He is in touch with who Jesus is in that moment. And you can see that shift in his system where, you know, his self is coming up, right, again, and not just letting his bold over-confident part just assume that it knows everything and operate.

[00:19:17] Right. And then what happens? Of course, there’s this huge amount of fish that comes into the net. The boats are so full they’re about to sink. Simon Peter sees this and he falls down at Jesus’s knees. This is all body stuff, right? And he says, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O Lord.” Right. He recognizes Jesus as Lord, right? He’s gotten integrated. He obeyed what Jesus’s command was, even though it went against his own inclinations from his bold part. And see what happens. He recognizes who Jesus is, and he recognizes who he is as a man. He recognizes his own sinful aspects, right? He gets in touch with some of that shame. Why? Because he senses that Jesus is there and that Jesus loves him. It’s an amazing thing. It says that Peter was astonished, right? There’s the awe and wonder coming in. You’re seeing all of his parts coming in, all at once, in this integrated way, all in an ordered way. All of them contributing, like musicians that are playing under the guidance of the conductor. So here we have a beautiful moment where Jesus is loving all of Peter’s parts. He’s understanding everything that’s going on inside of Peter. He’s loving Peter’s parts. He’s helping Peter love his own parts.

[00:20:43] Peter is accepting his own parts. There’s the humility, there’s the recognition, there’s the surprise, there’s the awe, there’s the wonder, there’s the astonishment. And what does Jesus say? “Do not be afraid. Henceforth you will be catching men.” This is the commissioning of Peter. This is Peter’s commissioning as an apostle. And it says in verse 11, “And when they brought their boats to land, they left everything, and they followed him.” They left everything, and they followed him. They were in relationship with Jesus. This is what can happen when we have that recollection, when we have that integration among our parts. Let’s go a little bit further. We’re going to go on to when Jesus was walking on the sea. This is from Matthew chapter 14. “Then he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone. But the boat by this time was many furlongs distant from the land, beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, saying, ‘It is a ghost.’ And they cried out for fear. But immediately he spoke to them, saying, ‘Take heart, it is I. Have no fear.’ And Peter answered him, ‘Lord, if it is you, bid me to come to you on the water.'”

[00:22:22] All right. Do you see that spontaneous part coming up again? Do you see that part that’s jumping in? And do you see that trust coming up in Jesus, right, connecting with Jesus. What does Jesus say? He says, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water. Peter was walking on the water and he was coming to Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind, remember, this was the kind of wind that was beating their boat. This was a dangerous situation. And what happened? Peter started to rely on his own strength. He lost contact with Christ. He took his eyes off of Christ and his system began to unravel. All of a sudden, the music got all disjointed, right? The integration was lost. A part took over, his competent part tried to make it happen on his own. And what happened? He began to sink. Right? But this part that wants to be saved, this part that can be little, this part that can be small, cried out in humility, “‘Lord save me!’ And Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, ‘O man of little faith, why did you doubt?’ And then they all got into the boat and the wind ceased.” All right. “Then they worshiped him, saying, ‘Truly you are the Son of God.'”

[00:23:46] Right. There’s this connection with Christ again. Then there’s all this integration that happens again. Then they recognize Christ for who he is. Then the apostles recognize themselves for who they are. And there’s worship, right? There’s this recognition of things as they are. There’s a reconnecting with reality. So you see the shift, right? He relied on Christ. Peter relied on Christ initially, gave him the confidence to walk out, because he’s trusting in God, walking on the water, a miraculous thing. Then he relied on himself. Ooh. Bad move. Right? Things start to go really, really wrong. And then he relies on Christ again. And things are okay. Jesus allowed him to sink. Jesus reached out to him. There’s this really great painting by a Christian artist named Youngsung Kim. Last name is Kim. It’s entitled Save Me! The Hand of God. And it’s from the perspective of Peter underwater. Peter’s like probably about four feet under the water. And the view of the painting is looking up at Christ. You see the bottom of his feet on the surface of the water, and you see his hand plunged through the surface of the water, reaching down to Peter. It’s really a moving, evocative painting for me because it shows what Peter saw. Save me. Save me, he said. Right. And Jesus immediately came to him. Another situation. Peter declares that Jesus is the Christ. This happens in Mark 8.

[00:25:29] “And Jesus went on with his disciples to the village of Caesarea Philippi. And on the way he asked his disciples, ‘Who do men say that I am?’ And they told him, ‘John the Baptist, and others say, Elijah, and others, one of the prophets.’ And he asked them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Peter answered him, ‘You are the Christ.'” Okay, here we go. It’s beautiful, right? We’ve got that spontaneity. We’ve got that connection with Christ. You know, we’ve got an integrated system. Boom! You are the Christ, right? But what happens immediately afterward? This is picking up right after that. “And he began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and the chief priests and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. And he said this plainly. And Peter took him, and began to rebuke him. But turning and seeing his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, ‘Get behind me, Satan, for you are not on the side of God, but of men.'” All right. So here we see a shift. Peter loses his recollection. The parts of him that are bold and that are spontaneous yank him, and also caregiving. The caregiving part gets in here. Because what happens is that Peter just doesn’t want this to happen to Jesus, right? His caregiving part wants to protect Jesus in this paternal way, Peter has just been complimented in a way. He’s just gotten the right answer about Jesus being the Christ.

[00:27:14] But then he lets his parts get the better of him. He runs away with his boldness. He runs away with his self-confidence and his own ideas. He runs away with his own spontaneity and impulsiveness. He runs away with his own caregiving and gets a very stern rebuke from Jesus. If you look at this in the more literal translations, in the revised Standard Version Catholic Edition, it says, “For you are not on the side of God, but of men.” But if you go to a more literal translation like the Douay-Rheims, it says, “Go behind me, Satan, because thou savorest not the things that are of God, but that are of men.” And if you go to the English Standard Version or the New American Standard Bible, it says, “Get behind me, Satan, for you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” What’s happened is that Peter’s mind, his mindset has gotten away from being centered on Jesus and on what Jesus is saying. In fact, he’s rejecting what Jesus is saying in this moment. He’s rejecting it based on his own self-confidence. He’s rejecting it based on his own sense of what’s right and wrong, what he thinks needs to happen, right? He’s just proclaimed Jesus to be the Son of God. But then he’s arguing with Jesus. He’s refusing to accept what Jesus says.

[00:28:37] That’s a problem. It’s going to have consequences. Jesus, out of love rebukes him, you know, brings him up short to really drive home, let’s get back recollected. Let’s remember who Jesus is. Let’s remember who I am. Let’s remember that we need to be little, that we’re a disciple. That we’re supposed to be learning from Jesus, not telling Jesus how it’s supposed to go. Does anybody out there like resonate with that at all? Anybody else out there try to tell Jesus how it ought to be? Anybody got parts like that? You know, that get all spontaneous, they get overconfident? Yeah, it happens to us. Peter at the Transfiguration, right. “After six days, Jesus took with him Peter, James, and John and led them up a high mountain apart by themselves. And he was transfigured before them, and his garments became glistening, intensely white, as no fuller on earth could bleach them. And there appeared to him Elijah and Moses. And they were talking with Jesus. And Peter said to Jesus, ‘Master, it is well that we are here. Let us make three booths, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah.’ For he did not know what to say, for they were exceedingly afraid.” The Douay-Rheims says they were struck with fear. The NASB and the ESV said, “They became terrified.” I like the more literal translations when it comes to describing the emotional experience, because they seem just so much more immediate in some way, right? It’s just much more easy to grip on to it than exceedingly afraid.

[00:30:18] No, I like terrified. That seems to really capture it a lot better. Peter is like kind of destabilized here. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s also taken over by fear. Right? But he’s reaching out. He’s trying to connect. He’s trying to somehow manage the situation. Right? Again, it shows his initiative and it also kind of shows courage, right? Also could be desperation. Like I don’t really know what I’m doing. Right. “For he did not know what to say.” He was sort of uncertain. And when he’s uncertain, what Peter does is he acts. A lot of people, when they’re uncertain, they shut down, right? They tend to get really conservative. Peter takes chances. He gets out there and tries things. Let’s go to Peter in the washing of the feet right here. We’re at the Last Supper. This is from the Gospel of John chapter 13. And Jesus is showing them an example of how they are to lead, right, to lead by serving. “Jesus poured water into a basin. He began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which he was girded. And he came to Simon Peter. And Peter said to him, ‘Lord, do you wash my feet?’ And Jesus answered him, ‘What I am doing, you do not know now, but afterward you will understand.'”

[00:31:45] So does Peter take that in? Does he look at it with humility? Does he say, ah, this is the master. I’m the disciple. I’m supposed to learn from the master. This is the Son of God. We need to, I need to really pay attention to what he’s saying. No. Peter says, “You shall never wash my feet.” Right. This violates Peter’s sense of propriety. This doesn’t look like it’s right to Peter. He understands that here we have the Son of God, the Christ, the Messiah, washing my feet. This doesn’t compute for Peter at all. And again, he relies on his own insight. He relies on his own judgment. He’s bold, but he’s overconfident. That bold, overconfident part has disconnected from the self. There’s no longer recollection. There’s no longer integration. Peter says to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Peter thinks that’s a good thing. He doesn’t realize the importance of this, even after Jesus told him, you don’t realize, you don’t understand. You’ll understand later. Peter’s like, nope, I’m still going with my own lights. Why? Because he’s not recollected. He’s not reflective. He’s not in a place where he can consider these things in their fullness. He’s being taken over by a part, that spontaneous part comes in here again with its impulsivity. Boom! He puts his foot in his mouth again. Jesus answers him, “If I do not wash you, you have no part in me.”

[00:33:09] Right? So again, he’s exuberant, right? He changes course and he says, “Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head.” Right. So he’s going over the top in the other direction. I still don’t think he’s recollected here, but he is at least acknowledging that Jesus has said, you need to get your feet washed. He’s like, well, then more is better, right? Sometimes we have these exuberant parts that really do believe that more is better, right? We really need to be doing is to be figuring out what Jesus wants from us, what he’s asking of us, no more and no less. So later on at the Last Supper. “Simon Peter said to Jesus, ‘Lord, where are you going?’ And Jesus answered, ‘Where I am going, you cannot follow me now. But you shall follow afterwards.’ Peter said to him, ‘Lord, why can I not follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.’ Jesus answered, ‘Will you lay down your life for me? Truly, truly, I say to you, the cock will not crow till you have denied me three times.'” That’s in John. In Matthew, he says, “Even if they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away.” Matthew 26:32. “‘I will never fall away.’ Jesus says to him, ‘Truly I say to you, that this very night before a rooster crows, you will deny me three times.’ And Peter said to him, ‘Even if I have to die with you, I will not deny you.'”

[00:34:38] All right. Jesus is telling him what’s going to happen. Peter is refusing it again. He’s telling Jesus that he’s wrong. He’s going to make up by the sheer strength of his will, whatever needs to be made up so that he can follow Jesus without fail. That’s not how it works, people. That’s not how it works. And I will tell you from personal experience because again, I resonate with Peter. I resonate with being bold, I resonate with being courageous. I resonate with being large and in charge and with, you know, strengthening my will and relying on my own power. It doesn’t work. It always fails. Why? Because we’re not supposed to be big like that within ourselves. If I were to succeed at that, I would become insufferably proud. I would learn that I can rely on myself. That would wind up with me making myself a de facto god, instead of being small and being childlike and being dependent and relying on Jesus for my strength, relying on God the Father, relying on the Holy Spirit for the graces that I need. Right? We have an illusion that we can make it if we just try hard enough. Peter has a part, this overconfident part, this bold part that gets very sucked into that. And when that part is operating on its own, and again, a lot of that may be because he’s afraid, right? He’s afraid that maybe Jesus is right.

[00:36:11] Maybe I will betray Jesus. Maybe I will deny him. That doesn’t help us, though. It doesn’t help us. In Luke, Jesus says, “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned again, strengthen your brethren.” He’s predicting the return of Peter, the repentance of Peter. Is Peter picking up on any of that? He says, “No, Lord, I’m ready to go with you to prison and to death.” There’s a lot of confidence here, a lot of overconfidence. He doesn’t take Jesus’s admonition to heart. Why? Because that may activate his shame. That may activate the exile in him that, you know, feels like, see, I’m the kind of person that would deny Jesus, that wouldn’t stand up and witness to him. I’m that small. I’m that weak. But again, we’re supposed to be small. Jesus knows we are weak. Humility, humility. You can see these bold and overconfident parts just causing so many problems for people who suffer with addictions or with other problems that have a compulsivity to them, right? They think that they’re just going to will not to do it again. And maybe that works for a day or two, right? One of the things that AA is well-known for is to recognize my powerlessness, right, in the face of this.

[00:37:49] AA, you know, describes how you need to become small. We need to become childlike. They might not frame it exactly that way, but this fantasy that I have all this control over these things that are really in power over me. It’s one of the primary things that makes it hard to get over addictions. And now we go to the Garden of Gethsemane, right? And what happens there? Well, in Matthew and Mark and Luke, there is all the description of how Peter strikes off the ear of the high priest’s servant. It doesn’t name Peter in Matthew, Mark or Luke, but Saint John does. Saint John in chapter 18:10, “Then Simon Peter, having a sword, drew it and struck the high priest’s slave and cut off his right ear.” All right. So first of all, they had two swords and Peter’s carrying one of them. Of course. Right. Why wouldn’t it be Peter? Right. He’s got the bold confidence. He’s the leader. He’s going to be one of these guys that’s got to have the sword. Right. And what does Jesus say? “Put your sword into its sheath. Shall I not drink the cup which the Father has given me?” He’s still trying to teach Peter. Come on, help me out here. Come on! Come on, get on board. Let’s work together.

[00:39:18] I’m trying to teach you the way that I must tread. I know the way that I must tread. I want you to follow me. I want you to support me in the way that I must tread, not go running off with your own ideas. Put your sword in its sheath. I need to drink this cup. This is supposed to be happening, right? Then everybody flees, Peter included. There was a shift, right? He he could no longer hold that bold, overconfident, that bold, overconfident position, be dominated by that part. Fear took over. Right? And they went into fight or flight and they fled. Way out of their window of tolerance, bodies all revved up. Endocrine system is pumping out all kinds of adrenaline. They flee. You know, but Peter comes back, right? Rest of the apostles, except for John, they’re gone. Peter comes back and he creeps into the courtyard. He’s going to check out what’s going on. Some of that boldness may have returned. Some of that curiosity about what’s going on may have been really strong. And then he encounters his nemesis, a slave woman. And she just says, “You too were with Jesus the Galilean.” And then starts the denials, right? The fear has taken over. Peter is getting really unhinged now. Maybe he didn’t expect in his bold over-confidence that he was not going to be recognized. But he starts talking and they start hearing that heavy Galilean accent and everybody starts piling on, no, no, no, no, no, you were one of them.

[00:41:04] I saw you in the garden. And now he’s really activated again. He’s casting about in desperation to figure out a way to preserve himself because he feels so unsafe, so insecure. He is in danger of being killed. Because what happens in these insurrections that came up from time to time within the Jewish community, is that not only did the Romans kill the would-be Messiah, they also killed most of his major followers. And people knew that the number one right-hand man of Jesus was Peter, right? So his life’s on the line here, and all of this business about, you know, following Jesus to the death and all of that that was spoken just a few hours before at the Last Supper. That’s all out the window, because that part isn’t around anymore. That part is like way distant, right? Because he’s taken over now by a fear part and he’s operating in that mode. “I do not know the man.” And the cursing and the swearing and everything is on board. This is a firefighter response here, folks. This is a firefighter response to preserve his life. He’s in a life-and-death situation. All of these other considerations are no longer even in consciousness in any significant way. He has lost the governance of himself and he’s acting in desperation. “I do not know the man.”

[00:42:32] Right. And then the rooster crows. Boom. Right. And in Luke, Jesus turns and looks at Peter. He makes that relational connection. He looks at Peter. Peter sees it. “And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, and how he had said to him, ‘Before the cock crows today, you will deny me three times.'” Now, what would have been different if Peter could have stayed there and looked back at the Lord? If he could have stayed in relationship with the Lord? The Lord was reaching out to him. He was looking at him. He was doing what he could to connect with Peter. Peter saw the Lord, but then what happened was instead of being overwhelmed by fear, he was now overwhelmed by shame. Right. His shame exile came up and just stomped him with the shame. Right. So much shame. And he went out and wept bitterly. You can just see the wracking sobs, his body all now caught up in the shame. He’s still really dysregulated. There’s just crushing shame. And what did he do? He did what people do when we really get overwhelmed with shame. We tend to withdraw. We isolate. We hide. Enter into Peter’s world here. Remember all that listening stuff? Can you listen with Peter as he’s weeping bitterly, crushed by shame? Broken off contact with Jesus, left Jesus, left him again. Shame can get in the way of repentance. Why? Because sometimes when we have so much shame or when we’re so heavily defended against shame, it’s kind of like we have this boat. This boat, where we can carry cargo that we find reflects something negative about us.

[00:44:56] But if our boat is full of shame, we can’t tolerate any more awareness of our faults. If we just think we’re a horribly bad person, we can’t bear any more recognition of what our faults truly are. There’s just no room for it in the boat. John, the Apostle John, was much better able to stay small enough to follow Christ. John was not so caught up in being big enough. John was a lot smaller, a lot younger, a lot more childlike, a lot more trusting. He had a deep relational connection. So he was able to take in all that love from Jesus. John is often referred to as the disciple whom Jesus loved. Right? Why was there that extra special love? It’s because John could take it in. John could take it in. He wasn’t big like Peter. By this time, Peter knows that crucifixion is what’s going to happen to Jesus. Now, in the book, The Life of Mary as Seen By the Mystics, Mary saw in a vision how Peter denied Jesus three times. This is on page 207. “And Mary wept and prayed fervently for him, and her prayers earned him the grace of an almost immediate repentance. Suddenly the door of the hall opened and Peter rushed out, weeping bitterly. In the glare of the torches, he recognized John and Mary. His conscience was already deeply stirred by the penetrating look which Jesus had given him, and he now trembled as the Blessed Virgin said to him, ‘O Simon, what about my son? What about Jesus?'”

[00:46:54] Being unable to speak or to endure Mary’s questioning eyes because of shame? Right. You can see he’s caught up in his shame. He can’t connect. Peter miserably turned away. That shame is driving him away from the Blessed Virgin and from Saint John. Now. But what does Mary do? Mary approaches him and said in a voice choked with emotion, “Simon, are you not going to answer me?” She’s engaging him. Then Peter exclaimed, “Mother, do not speak to me. Your son is suffering cruelly. They have condemned him to death, and I have shamefully denied him three times.” Mary, his mother, engaged him in relationship. Now John comes up, right. This is again as seen by the mystics. John came near to speak to him. Peter ran off and made his way to the cave on Mount Olivet. And there, because of his perfect contrition, Mary obtained that God should soon forgive him. And she sent one of her angels to console him invisibly. Peter needed to work through his shame. Later on, this is as the trial is still going on. John met Peter coming to the Cenacle. That’s the upper room. After having spent the night weeping and repenting in a cave near the Holy City.

[00:48:10] So this is on the morning of Good Friday. They found some of the apostles and went to the Cenacle. Peter alone went in to see Mary first, right? So now. Now he’s coming back to his spiritual mother. Now he’s coming back as her son. And falling at her feet, he said in sobs of intense sorrow, “I have sinned, Lady. I have sinned before my God. I have offended my master and you.” And the Blessed Virgin knelt beside him and said, “Let us ask pardon for your guilt from my son and your master.” And she prayed. And she prayed for Peter, and reminded him of the Lord’s many acts of mercy towards great sinners, and of his own obligations as the head of the apostles to give an example of strength in the faith. Peter at that moment needed his mother, his spiritual mother, and she was there for him. In the moments of her great grief and her great sorrow, she was there for him, just like she’s there for us. Peter became more recollected, more integrated. He had a part that wanted to repent, to come back, to connect, to connect emotionally, to connect relationally. The self was once again in command of his system. And then after that, you know, Peter was the one that ran out to the tomb to investigate what was going on. Again, you know, that spontaneousness, parts working together well. He’s thinking about these things.

[00:49:49] He’s pondering them. Right. And then as they’re trying to figure out what’s going on, Peter says, “I’m going fishing.” He’s going to find something to do. He’s not just going to sit around, he’s decided he’s going fishing. A bunch of other apostles decide they’re going with him. They go fishing. Children, have you any fish? This is Jesus on the shore. No. Cast a net on the right side of the boat and you will find some. Does Peter argue with them again? Does he say, Lord, we’ve been at this all night. Because they had been. They’d been fishing all night. Not a thing. It’s the morning time. It’s a bad time for fish. It’s time to come in. We just didn’t get anything. This is not the time for catching fish. And what would it matter if the if the net was on the port side of the boat or the starboard side. Jesus says, put it on the right side of the boat. Is there any objection? No, Peter just does it. Peter just does it. Do you see the contrast? Right. Initially he did it, but only after his bold, self-confident part had said, we’ve been at this all night. That doesn’t happen. Now, there’s humility here. That part is changing. That part is healing. That part is growing. They have a huge quantity of fish, just like the first time around.

[00:51:15] John says to Peter, it’s the Lord. Simon Peter puts on his clothes and he jumps into the sea and swims back, wants to be in relationship with the Lord, right? Instead of turning away. See the resolution of shame? Do you see how shame is not dominating him in this moment? There’s a charcoal fire. Jesus eats some fish, says to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” And he said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” He says, “Feed my lambs.” A second time Jesus said to Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” And he said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him a third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” And now Peter was grieved because he asked three times. “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.” Jesus invited him into a three time affirmation to make up for the three times of denial, right? Peter denied Jesus three times. Here he had an opportunity to affirm him three times, to affirm his love. So now we’ve come kind of, well, not to the end of the story of Simon Peter, but we’ve come to the end of the Gospels on Saint Peter. Obviously, things go on in Acts of the Apostles, and he’s got his three epistles that he wrote.

[00:52:47] But I’m going to really invite you to consider which part of the story resonated with you the most. What did you connect with the most in this story? It wouldn’t surprise me at all if there were parts of you that resonated with parts of Saint Peter. How do you feel towards those parts of you, towards those bold, self-confident parts? How do you feel towards those impulsive parts? Those spontaneous parts? How do you feel towards those parts of Saint Peter that want to take care of other people, that want to protect other people, even when those other people may have to experience terrible consequences? That’s a hard thing for Catholic homeschooling moms. There’s a lot of caretaking of their kids. You know, a lot of times it’s really hard for moms, Catholic moms, for their kids to let them experience failure, to let them experience things that they really need to experience. Sometimes there’s a real overprotection. I see that a lot. What about the moral parts? Right? What about childlike parts, awe and wonder? What about fearful parts? How are you with all those things? What did you resonate with in the story of Saint Peter? You know, anything that you reject in yourself in terms of parts, you’re going to reject in other people. If you reject fear, if you reject weakness, if you reject sadness in yourself, you’re not going to be in a good place to accept those things in other people, which is going to compromise your ability to love them.

[00:54:28] We need to know our parts in order to be able to love them better. It’s so much easier to love somebody if you know them. It’s so much easier to love another person if you understand something about their parts. So I’m introducing this to you to see if you resonate with the whole idea of parts. And you don’t have to think about the human person in terms of parts. This is not part of, you know, a Catholic doctrine that you must believe that we have parts. Some people, it doesn’t resonate with. They get along really well looking at people in other ways. So this I’m offering to you as an option, one that I personally find really helpful, especially with the whole idea of loving ourselves, because that means that we have a relationship with ourselves. That means that there’s got to be some kind of part-to-part relationship or self-to-part relationship within us. Now, in the last podcast, I said that I was going to do a bonus podcast on Saint Dismas. That’s the good thief on the cross next to Jesus. And as I began working on that, that was going to be just for the Resilient Catholics Community. But as I was working on that a little bit, I was like, oh, this is so rich and so good and so long that I’m going to include it in a separate podcast episode.

[00:55:45] So that’s coming up next. We’re going to have a podcast on shame and the cross, and it’s going to be the story of Saint Dismas. So that’ll be episode 48. The bonus podcast I’m going to do is about how my parts relate with Saint Peter’s parts, how I see Saint Peter’s parts in me. And that’s actually kind of fitting because the people in the community know me because I interact with them more, and that seems like a good fit for that. We have the Resilient Catholics Community. It’s all about transformation. It’s all about preparing the way for love in our souls. It’s about being together as Catholics on a journey. We’re on a mission in the Resilient Catholics Community to enter into an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus Christ our Savior, our brother, intimate relationship with the Holy Spirit who is love himself. We need to be connected with the Holy Spirit who is love himself. And then with our spiritual parents, our primary parents, God our Father and Mary our Mother. You know, as a psychologist, there are so many wounds that people get from their mothers and fathers. There are so many wounds that my kids have from me as a father. It’s part of being a human being in a fallen world, you know, having a fallen nature in a fallen world. I have wounded my kids. We all do as parents in this fallen world. But God our Father is going to make up for any of those wounds that my kids have suffered from me.

[00:57:19] And, you know, any mother wound that anyone has is going to be made up for by Mary, our mother, if we seek them out, if we connect with them, if we don’t turn away in shame. The community is all about perfecting that. I’m continuing to work on it. I’m hoping to be able to reopen the community in March. That’s what I’m thinking right now. There’s a whole lot of programming that I’m doing, getting things ready. I’m really excited about it. I want you to share this podcast with people that you think would benefit from it. Let people know. You can reach out to me at 317-567-9594 or at crisis@soulsandhearts.com. On Wednesday, December 29th, 2020, 7:30 to 8:30 p.m. Eastern Time, for the Resilient Catholics Community, we’re going to have a social hour. We’re going to hang out. We’re going to celebrate Christmas. We’re going to touch base. It’s all going to be in a Zoom meeting. So if you are in the Resilient Catholics Community, you can certainly check that out. It’s going to be really good. And now let’s invoke Saint Peter and then our patroness, Our Lady, and then obviously Saint John as well, as we wrap up. Our Lady, our Mother, Untier of Knots, pray for us. Saint John the Baptist, pray for us. Saint Peter, pray for us.